Tonya
Identifies as a woman (she/ her pronouns)
Lynne: Every time I see you, you're like more and more natural in your body.
Tonya: Yeah, it's definitely becoming more natural.
Lynne: Talk to me about how you feel inside.
Tonya: Where I feel inside and how I can express myself realistically are two different things, I have a very clear image of when I was a child, my nanny holding me up naked in front of a mirror, shaking me, yelling at me. “You're a boy, not a girl. You're a boy, not a girl.” I don't remember what warranted that, but I'm assuming it had something to do with how I felt about myself. And I think as a child, you're generally fairly androgynous. I spent most of my childhood pretending to build robots and pretending to make things that obviously didn't do anything but in my mind were real functional machines. I had terrible issues with separation anxiety as a kid. When I did go out to stay overnight at somebody's house it was very difficult for me because I was so attached to my home. I think my parents kind of held on to me, didn't allow me to experience anything outside what they wanted me to experience.
Pre-Transition
Tonya: I started playing with makeup and dressed up as far back as I can remember. I was caught a couple of times, by a maid. Actually, I saw people that I knew that didn't recognize it as me. In a way I loved the excitement of that, you know, feeling like I could be another person and people wouldn't even recognize me like that. I didn't actually go out as a woman until I was much older.
Summer
Tonya: Summer, my wife kind of jokingly asked me to put on makeup once when we first met. So, I did. She didn't realize how good I was about it. Yes, she totally freaked out and made me take it off immediately. Sometimes it really hurts for me to just joke with her about something so intimate. She's like, “With this covid-19 thing I can't remember the last time I put makeup on.” And I said, “Yeah, me too.” I was just joking. I mean, it's first thing that came to my mind. It certainly threw her. It is interesting when talking to me my therapist, because most of the people that she sees, all they want to know is what can I do to be a woman like right now? How should I act, what should I do? What kind of dress should I get? What kind of make-up, what kind of this, what kind of that? All I talk about is that I just really trying not to negatively affect other people's lives with it. It's my problem, it's not theirs. I would like to be appreciated for that. You know, that's when you get to the point, like, why am I bothering? I put so much effort into protecting her.
Transitioning Through the Internet
Tonya: Back then, I kind of fumbled my way through it because I'm not the most tech savvy person. They will find what I know. And I started researching more of the medical community and how they viewed it. And then I found out that people actually are treated for this, and then I did some more research and I found companies on the Internet that could actually sell you hormones and things online. Which I did stop doing it just because
of the anxiety I was going through, trying to catch the mailman before anybody else in my home did. That became a little overwhelming. I just stopped doing it because I couldn't feel that deception much longer. It was just making me crazy. I remember pulling up once with Summer and the mailman is there was a box and I'm running out of the car to intercept him. And she's like, "What was that?” And I was like, “Nothing.”
Coming Out
Lynne: How long ago was that, and when did you start living legitimately as a female?
Tonya: A little over three years. It just felt so right. I was under the impression there was a certain amount of mental testing that needed to take place. I think it's gotten to the point where doctors realize that for you to make that move means you've already determined who you are. They're not being as rigid. There's no protocols anymore. They talk to you and they determine whether you do fit their criteria. And if you do, that's that. And I immediately did not talk to the doctor a lot about it. I told her my history she immediately knew I was the real deal. Problem is, a lot of young people coming in now, even with their parents saying, “I want to be a girl, I want to be a girl.” They're under 16 years old and she's like, “You're not old enough to really determine whether this is seriously risky or not.” Gender and sexuality and people's fantasies all are on their own line. So, gender wise, I consider my still as far to the feminine side as you can possibly get sexually. I mean, obviously, I've had relationships with women and certainly enjoyed it in life. My wife and I have been together for 40 plus years. We're connected in so many ways that it really doesn't make a difference. I never thought about myself as being gay, ever. But then what does that mean? If I'm not gay and I'm one hundred percent female, that means I'm attracted to men. As I ponder that more, I realized I'm probably in reality bisexual because I love women. Obviously, I have loved women. And then I realized that I probably suppressed feelings towards men in the past, my whole life, because I think of some men I've known, who I really love. And I never realized, was that the kind of love where you are going to have a relationship? In retrospect, I do believe that could have been a possibility.
Lynne: So, you don't feel like you've been freed?
Tonya: No, no. I personally wish it was a dream and I wake up either as a female or a male, and just not be trans. I can't quite understand why anybody would think it's a good way to go through life. I often say when I hear people speak negatively about transgender people, I wish they could just come and walk in my shoes for five minutes and then they would get it. I'm happier as I have been able to create a comfort group of people that know who I am. Yeah, the anxiety from lying and hiding far outweighed any uncomfortableness that people will discover who I am. After a while, it just tears you apart when everything coming out of your mouth has to be screened, and that's helped me a lot. I know when people are just patronizing me or being honest with me about that. And I think that at least most people believe they can convince somebody else of something that they don't really believe just by acting a certain way.
Lynne: What do you think has to be in place in your life for you to decide to live fully as a female, 24-7?
Tonya: I need my wife to embrace it. I think that her main concern would be my happiness. But she's more concerned about how I'm judged. And that comes from her Japanese culture.
Lynne: Do you think that given the fact that you are developing a circle of friends like myself and Kannan and Melanie, who are embracing your transition, would make it easier for her?
Tonya: I was hoping so. As long as it's not in my face and, you know, I don't have to deal with it. We're fine now. I was really hoping that to be the case. And she's so terrified that with my job, if I'm going to be beat up. I tell her it's different now. I mean, legally, it's written right there. My job cannot discriminate.
Lynne: Well, you're protected. You are truly a protected class now.
Tonya: Exactly. And to be honest with you, my company is really one of the top in the world as far as accepting diversity. And they actually have a club within the company. There is really a huge population of gay people and I'm sure transgender people working within my company. She is afraid the reality is I am going to lose my job. I am going to walk down the street. Somebody is going to pick me up. But sixty years of feeling like you were trapped and no way out. The I keep it in, the longer it goes on.
Lynne: It's going to be interesting to see what happens with you in the next couple of years.
Tonya: You know, should be. I'm just going to evolve, you know.
Tonya: Yeah, it's definitely becoming more natural.
Lynne: Talk to me about how you feel inside.
Tonya: Where I feel inside and how I can express myself realistically are two different things, I have a very clear image of when I was a child, my nanny holding me up naked in front of a mirror, shaking me, yelling at me. “You're a boy, not a girl. You're a boy, not a girl.” I don't remember what warranted that, but I'm assuming it had something to do with how I felt about myself. And I think as a child, you're generally fairly androgynous. I spent most of my childhood pretending to build robots and pretending to make things that obviously didn't do anything but in my mind were real functional machines. I had terrible issues with separation anxiety as a kid. When I did go out to stay overnight at somebody's house it was very difficult for me because I was so attached to my home. I think my parents kind of held on to me, didn't allow me to experience anything outside what they wanted me to experience.
Pre-Transition
Tonya: I started playing with makeup and dressed up as far back as I can remember. I was caught a couple of times, by a maid. Actually, I saw people that I knew that didn't recognize it as me. In a way I loved the excitement of that, you know, feeling like I could be another person and people wouldn't even recognize me like that. I didn't actually go out as a woman until I was much older.
Summer
Tonya: Summer, my wife kind of jokingly asked me to put on makeup once when we first met. So, I did. She didn't realize how good I was about it. Yes, she totally freaked out and made me take it off immediately. Sometimes it really hurts for me to just joke with her about something so intimate. She's like, “With this covid-19 thing I can't remember the last time I put makeup on.” And I said, “Yeah, me too.” I was just joking. I mean, it's first thing that came to my mind. It certainly threw her. It is interesting when talking to me my therapist, because most of the people that she sees, all they want to know is what can I do to be a woman like right now? How should I act, what should I do? What kind of dress should I get? What kind of make-up, what kind of this, what kind of that? All I talk about is that I just really trying not to negatively affect other people's lives with it. It's my problem, it's not theirs. I would like to be appreciated for that. You know, that's when you get to the point, like, why am I bothering? I put so much effort into protecting her.
Transitioning Through the Internet
Tonya: Back then, I kind of fumbled my way through it because I'm not the most tech savvy person. They will find what I know. And I started researching more of the medical community and how they viewed it. And then I found out that people actually are treated for this, and then I did some more research and I found companies on the Internet that could actually sell you hormones and things online. Which I did stop doing it just because
of the anxiety I was going through, trying to catch the mailman before anybody else in my home did. That became a little overwhelming. I just stopped doing it because I couldn't feel that deception much longer. It was just making me crazy. I remember pulling up once with Summer and the mailman is there was a box and I'm running out of the car to intercept him. And she's like, "What was that?” And I was like, “Nothing.”
Coming Out
Lynne: How long ago was that, and when did you start living legitimately as a female?
Tonya: A little over three years. It just felt so right. I was under the impression there was a certain amount of mental testing that needed to take place. I think it's gotten to the point where doctors realize that for you to make that move means you've already determined who you are. They're not being as rigid. There's no protocols anymore. They talk to you and they determine whether you do fit their criteria. And if you do, that's that. And I immediately did not talk to the doctor a lot about it. I told her my history she immediately knew I was the real deal. Problem is, a lot of young people coming in now, even with their parents saying, “I want to be a girl, I want to be a girl.” They're under 16 years old and she's like, “You're not old enough to really determine whether this is seriously risky or not.” Gender and sexuality and people's fantasies all are on their own line. So, gender wise, I consider my still as far to the feminine side as you can possibly get sexually. I mean, obviously, I've had relationships with women and certainly enjoyed it in life. My wife and I have been together for 40 plus years. We're connected in so many ways that it really doesn't make a difference. I never thought about myself as being gay, ever. But then what does that mean? If I'm not gay and I'm one hundred percent female, that means I'm attracted to men. As I ponder that more, I realized I'm probably in reality bisexual because I love women. Obviously, I have loved women. And then I realized that I probably suppressed feelings towards men in the past, my whole life, because I think of some men I've known, who I really love. And I never realized, was that the kind of love where you are going to have a relationship? In retrospect, I do believe that could have been a possibility.
Lynne: So, you don't feel like you've been freed?
Tonya: No, no. I personally wish it was a dream and I wake up either as a female or a male, and just not be trans. I can't quite understand why anybody would think it's a good way to go through life. I often say when I hear people speak negatively about transgender people, I wish they could just come and walk in my shoes for five minutes and then they would get it. I'm happier as I have been able to create a comfort group of people that know who I am. Yeah, the anxiety from lying and hiding far outweighed any uncomfortableness that people will discover who I am. After a while, it just tears you apart when everything coming out of your mouth has to be screened, and that's helped me a lot. I know when people are just patronizing me or being honest with me about that. And I think that at least most people believe they can convince somebody else of something that they don't really believe just by acting a certain way.
Lynne: What do you think has to be in place in your life for you to decide to live fully as a female, 24-7?
Tonya: I need my wife to embrace it. I think that her main concern would be my happiness. But she's more concerned about how I'm judged. And that comes from her Japanese culture.
Lynne: Do you think that given the fact that you are developing a circle of friends like myself and Kannan and Melanie, who are embracing your transition, would make it easier for her?
Tonya: I was hoping so. As long as it's not in my face and, you know, I don't have to deal with it. We're fine now. I was really hoping that to be the case. And she's so terrified that with my job, if I'm going to be beat up. I tell her it's different now. I mean, legally, it's written right there. My job cannot discriminate.
Lynne: Well, you're protected. You are truly a protected class now.
Tonya: Exactly. And to be honest with you, my company is really one of the top in the world as far as accepting diversity. And they actually have a club within the company. There is really a huge population of gay people and I'm sure transgender people working within my company. She is afraid the reality is I am going to lose my job. I am going to walk down the street. Somebody is going to pick me up. But sixty years of feeling like you were trapped and no way out. The I keep it in, the longer it goes on.
Lynne: It's going to be interesting to see what happens with you in the next couple of years.
Tonya: You know, should be. I'm just going to evolve, you know.